This is a lovely quote. But what about when they’re NOT happy and smiley? There’s a gazillion reasons why that happens and your child becomes unhappy and unsmiley, and this post is about one specific issue that can be difficult for children – the transition to school, either for the first time or after school holidays.

How do you deal with school after the first blush of excitement and new-ness is, well, over?

Here in the UK, we’re into the second week of September, which means our new academic year has just got started. For a lot of parents of children who have just started, this means that the initial excitement of ‘big school’ has probably worn off by now and the reality of what going to school means (as in going in 5 days straight) is probably beginning to sink in.

After I wrote about it last week, I thought it would be a good idea to follow up with another post about school, because let’s face it, this whole school thing is a journey and we’re in it for the long haul, and there is a LOT to talk about! And actually, I’ve just realized that this is a series of posts, rather than one, so I’ll spread it out over a few days under different topics.

You may well see a few behaviour changes in your little one this week. If not, you might see them crop up in the next week or so. Nothing to be alarmed about, but it might be useful to unpick them a bit, make sense of them and talk about what you can do and how you can help. It will also help you identify when you need to step in and speak to your child’s teacher or the school about the transitional phase.

So, today’s post is about: Ultra sensitivity

Is your child coming home in a right old mood? Maybe something small happens and it triggers a lot of crying or a major meltdown. Don’t worry – this is normal behaviour and is likely to be caused by the rules around the school environment and your child adapting to them. Think about it: your little one has to go to school for 6 hours, comply with a load of new rules, fit in with a new routine, focus on a new syllabus, and behave. It’s a pretty big ask of anyone, but apply that to a 4 or 5 year old and it’s huge…and exhausting! And let’s not forget older children who have gone back to school and have a new teacher and new classroom and new curriculum to get used to too!

When you ask your child a question at the end of the school day, or you ask them to do something, go somewhere, whatever, remember that this demand you’re making of them comes on top of an enormous pile of demands that have already been made on them during the day. Your question or request that they put their school bag away, for example, might be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

To you, their reaction might seem like an over-reaction but, given that we don’t have crystal balls and can’t see what’s gone on during the school day, keep in mind that it might have been a tough one for them, and this new demand may be enough to push them over the edge.

Your child is also well aware of how these things play out with you in the role as the parent figure. At school however, the person in charge isn’t so predictable, and often children will keep a cap on their emotions or reactions to a request or demand, simply because they’re unsure of what not complying might mean. Will they get in trouble? Will the teacher shout? Then what? So, when they’re at home and you, the familiar person, makes a demand, they can let all that pent up stuff come out. And this can happen in quite a spectacular way, with you having to deal with it.

It’s pointless getting into a battle of wills when your child is in this sort of frame of mind, because it can easily escalate, so it’s important to be able to read the signs and adapt your own behaviour to help them with theirs.

My own daughter will use indicative language like ‘Mummy, why do you keep asking me this?’ or she’ll huff and puff in response to a question, or just simply tell me ‘I don’t want to answer.’ And it’s at this point that I have to put my own interests aside and adapt to her. Ignore the signs and you’re on course for a tricky time.

If you find yourself in a situation where your child reacts in an extreme way to something that you feel doesn’t warrant that level of reaction, then step down the demands and lower your expectations.

This could mean that instead of demanding that they put their school bag away, you frame it differently: “I’ll help you put your school bag away, so it’s safe and ready for tomorrow.”

Instead of: “Go and get changed,” try “let’s go and find some clothes for you to change into and then we can do xyz.”

You will probably still meet some resistance and that’s OK, even if it frustrates you. Be patient; be certain you’re not making a demand on top of a demand like “let’s go and find some clothes to change into. Oh, but first go to the loo and let me sort your hair out.” I’m guilty of doing this and have to consciously remind myself to concentrate on one thing at a time. Stacking demands will just frustrate your child even more.

Remember to encourage your child. When they have got themselves dressed, or whatever it is, then tell them that they did well. Thank them for doing it. Acknowledge the hard day they’ve had:
“Look at you, you’ve done really well to come home and get changed like that. Thank you for listening to me, especially after you’ve had a long day.”

Obviously it’s not always going to be a request or a demand that sets off the crying or a meltdown – the above is just an example, but in all cases, try to identify what it is that has set off that behaviour. Then consider it against the backdrop of their school day and the possible demands that have been placed on them. In dealing with it, remember to lower your demands, act sensitively and help them through it (a reassuring cuddle from you might be just what they need and isn’t reinforcing the behaviour…more about that in a separate post) and be sure to offer reassurance and encouragement afterwards.

As the new school environment settles down and your child comes to terms with the expectation placed on them during the school day, so too will the blow ups calm down, and life will find a new rhythm.