We spend a lot of our time telling our children what to do, don’t we?

Sit nicely, use your manners, don’t climb over the furniture (favourite one of mine), don’t put that in your mouth, tidy up, eat up, no – don’t put the cat in the bath, do your homework, brush your teeth. Coat! Shoes!

Listen to yourself for a moment. Actually really properly listen to the things that come out of your mouth over a 20 minute interaction with your child and notice when you’re telling them what to do or telling them off. It’s a lot, isn’t it?
I’m totally guilty of doing this myself.

Now put yourself in your child’s shoes. Pretend another adult is saying the things you say to your child. Imagine it in an office or workplace environment (just to add a bit of colour to the scene). How does it feel to be told to sit still, be quiet, eat quickly, tidy up…? And if you got that day after day, wouldn’t you feel worn down by it, wouldn’t you start looking for a different job? I’d be out of there like a shot.

With our kids, we cast ourselves in the role of teaching them how to survive in this world. We’re also asking them to fit into a particular routine. That’s just life, and when your child is dithering about, taking fifteen minutes to locate and put on their shoes, or making a square of toast last half an hour, it’s totally normal to chivvy them along. And normal to feel frustrated.

But when did you last think about your child’s self esteem and the impact you have on it? The directives, the corrective feedback you give them isn’t doing much to build their self-esteem and while that’s often unavoidable, it’s important to balance it out. After all, child mental health issues affect 1 in 10 children, including depression and anxiety, so need to be taken really seriously, particularly in the early years.

What can you do, then, to bolster your child’s self esteem?
Children get an innate sense of pride and confidence when they achieve something on their own. You can enable this for them by stepping back and allowing them to complete things more independently. It might be something that seems quite trivial, like putting on a pair of socks, packing the school bag (or other more complex things for bigger kids). If you can allow them and encourage them to do it for themselves, offer support and assistance if they need help and then give lots of positive feedback, you’re well on the way to bolstering their self-esteem.

Don’t expect your child to do something that they can’t do. That sounds so obvious doesn’t it? But it’s easy to forget (especially if you’re in a rush) that little people can’t do all the things that we can do. Ever watched somebody make crepes? They make it looks so easy, because they’ve been doing it for years and are expert at it – twiddling that stick thing around a hotplate. Now you try. My point isn’t that you learn to make perfect crepes, but that you need to show your child how to do something first before you expect them to do it – don’t assume they can do it. Show them, talk them through it, then allow them to have a go on their own. This way they don’t fail at the outset. And this way, they always feel like a winner.

Check your language and try to remove any critical language when you speak to your child. Instead of “Look, you’re doing it all wrong, it’s easy, I’ll show you” – and then taking over, try “Yeah, it’s a bit tricky. Would you like me to help you and then you can have a try?”

And make sure you’re focusing on their strengths. If your child manages to do their homework but you think it’s an utter mess, or they’ve got the questions wrong, don’t point that out. Start by praising them for giving it a go on their own and taking the time to concentrate on it, before you follow up with the idea that perhaps it needs some tweaking.

The small changes that we make in our everyday interaction with our child have far-reaching consequences and go a long way in helping our children realize that they are important individuals. Oh, and of course, the last thing you need to do is tell your child that you love them. A lot. I never get tired of saying it, and I never get tired of hearing it said back, especially when little arms get thrown around my neck and I get a hug too!