How to Reduce your Child’s Anxiety in One Simple Step
Do you ever have this issue with your child when they ask you for something; it could be anything from sweets, access to their phone or screen, or going out with friends, whatever…and you say no.
In response, they kick off – cry, stomp, slam doors and convey their feelings about your decision through various means.
Then they approach your partner and make the same request. Your partner gives them a different answer, or disagrees with your decision and suggests you should, perhaps, back down. Whichever way, you’re stuck between holding fast or backing down…and a child who is trying to get their own way.
I bet it happens.
It happens in our house, and it’s usually about about pudding. My daughter finishes her meal (as far as she sees fit) and will ask Daddy for pudding. He’s no pushover when it comes to pudding, so quite often his bar is set higher than mine. Me, being Mummy and a bit of a softie; I’m a right pushover, and will often have a different boundary set in my own mind.
My daughter, being wily and savvy (and show me a child who isn’t!), understands this whole set up and works the system in order to get the result she desires.
She may ask Daddy for pudding and get a no, so she’ll approach me in the hope of getting a yes, and vice versa.
Often Mummy and Daddy don’t realise the other has said no, and then there’s an issue about which path is right. Sometimes we’ll forensically pick over the remaining bits of broccoli or chunks of carrot, disagree about the pudding consent threshold and then wait for the other to back down. The fact remains we’ve been played off against one another and our response sends a clear message to our child: we are being inconsistent.
The pudding issue is a small one, really, and the result of one parent who says yes occasionally when the other parent has already said no is not going to make a huge difference in the grand scheme of things. BUT, children who persistently receive mixed messages from their parents, adults or carers are typically more anxious. This makes sense doesn’t it? Anxiety often stems from thoughts surrounding an unknown outcome, and so when your child is uncertain about the boundaries, unsure about whether today it’s a ‘yes’ when yesterday it was a ‘no’, it’s an unstable state of affairs all round.
And it doesn’t necessarily occur as a discrepancy between two parents. We can be inconsistent all on our own. Yesterday my expectation was that my daughter ate ALL the peas (for example) and today my expectation is she eats ALL the peas, carrots AND cauliflower. Tomorrow that could change. How would she know?
Let’s ramp that example up a notch and apply it to a teen who wants to go out with their friends until 9pm. Today you might say yes (based on making a judgment about all kinds of things: which friends they are, has the homework been done, is it a school night, is your child tired, and so on) but tomorrow it could be a no. The next day they might request 10pm; you may say yes, or you might say no. Who’s to know?
When you say no, the teen might then ask the other parent, who might back you up, but may well give a different answer. The result is this: an anxious teenager who doesn’t know where the boundaries sit, and who shows this anxiety by being aggressive, cross and uppity.
How do you change this? Consistency.
Consistency is everything, and establishing boundaries and communicating what those boundaries are is your key to less stress and a child who is ultimately less anxious. A child who is less anxious and who understands the boundaries, is a child who is less aggressive and less angry. Peace reigns.
How do you put this into practice?
If your child is young, then frontload them. Frontloading is a fancy way of saying ‘tell them everything that might happen before it happens and explain what your expectations are at the outset.’ So, if your child frequently wants dessert, then establish the rules around that before it gets to the point when he/she asks whether they can have it. Ensure that all adults in the vicinity understand the rule so that you can all be consistent.
If your child is older, set up the rules with them. This casts you less in the role of a dictator and more in the role of a facilitator. If 9pm is the time they can come in, stick to that. Stick to the days they can go out. Ensure the message reaching your teen is the same between yourself and the other parent. Every time.
Think about school. A consistent approach between parent and teachers means that your child will a) be less anxious because they are not receiving mixed messages and b) be less likely to manipulate a situation based on one set of rule makers setting one expectation, versus another set who may set different boundaries.
I’m not telling you to always agree with the school’s approach. That’s almost impossible. But, if school dishes out detention to your child, accept it. Follow through with it, even if you disagree with the basis of it. Then go and speak with the school or teacher concerned, without your child being present and without their knowledge, and work out a way forward like that. Undermining the school’s approach in front of your child sends mixed messages and leads to power-play issues.
Likewise disagreements between parents about parental approach should be dealt with by the adults involved and should not include the child. Consistency in parental approach is the one rule that will not only reduce anxiety in your child, but will lead to a greater sense of peace and tranquility for you as the parent too. And that really is the holy grail.
