Understanding why we do the things we do
If you’re the parent of a child who wants them to do the things that you ask them to do, you have to consider what causes them to do what’s asked of them, and why, at other times, they apparently ignore you completely.
Why does that happen and what’s going on?
It’s impossible to analyse every scenario and consider every type of behaviour, but typically, people do the things we do for these reasons:
- To get something
- To avoid something
And in some cases, it’s a combination of the two. These are the motivating factors underpinning our behaviour.
Why do you go out to work every day? Because you want to earn money (get something)
Why do you get out of bed every morning at 6.30am? Because you have to be at work on time and you want to avoid being late.
Why do you take an umbrella with you when you go out? Because it might rain and you want to avoid getting wet.
Like anything there are exceptions to this rule (such as altruistic behaviour), but let’s keep it straightforward.
Now think about your child, whatever age they might be, and consider their behaviour and why they might do the things they do?
Why do they do their homework – Because they want to get good grades? Because they want to please their teacher and gain praise? Because they want to avoid getting in trouble if they don’t do it? Or a combination of all.
Why do they put their laundry in the basket? – Because they want to gain your praise for doing the right thing? Because they want to avoid you nagging them? Or a combination of both.
Why do they poke their sister or tease their brother? Because they gain satisfaction out of winding them up, or perhaps gain your attention when you step in and tell them off.
These are all motivations for behaviour and why your child they might choose to do the things they do.
OK, then, what about flipping it on its head and considering those times when they WON’T do their homework in spite of you nagging them, or they WON’T put their laundry away in spite of you getting cross about it. What’s happened to the motivation of gaining something or avoiding something?
In a word – Competition.
If there is something that competes with that motivating factor and manages to outweigh it, the motivation is gone.
For example, your child has maths homework to do by tomorrow, but they have come home and they are tired, and that programme they want to watch is on television, the maths homework can wait a bit. And then it gets later, and their friends want to chat on whatsapp and it’s a fun and interesting conversation, so the maths gets pushed back a bit…and so on until the maths doesn’t get done.
In spite of what might be the motivating factors surrounding homework in the first place, i.e getting good grades, pleasing the teacher, avoiding getting in trouble for not doing it etc, those motivating factors have been outweighed by the competing factors of feeling tired, watching TV and talking to friends.
Even though the motivating factors are known and understood, the possible consequences of not doing the homework aren’t enough to tip the balance and result in the homework getting done…the relaxation in front of the TV and chatting to friends wins the battle, and the homework takes a back seat.
This is what happens every time your child behaves the way they do. There’s a battle going on between motivation for behaviour and competing factors, which determine how things are going to pan out.
Sometimes, when your child gets home from school the motivating factors surrounding homework, for example, aren’t outweighed by other ‘stuff’ and the homework option wins. Sometimes the desire to please you and avoid your nagging for not putting the dirty clothes in the laundry basket outweighs the ‘tiredness’ or the distraction of the phone/book/computer screen and the laundry gets put in the basket.
The trick, in all of this, is to understand the competing factors, what they are and how to work with them to find a way through. What if, in the homework scenario, for example, you set a rule that there could be no TV and devices until AFTER homework had been completed? That sees to the competing factors and builds in additional motivation of wanting to gain TV and device access.
Try it for yourself. Think about your child’s behaviour:
What are they trying to gain or avoid?
What might compete with that?
Once you’ve done that, then you can start thinking about how to trump the competing factors in order to get the homework done, the laundry put away and the bedroom tidied!
